Congratulations on another tax season! Here it is the final tax season joke of the week. We hope they’ve brought some much need humor into the office.

Once upon a time there was a rancher standing at the entrance to one of his pastures, full of sheep. Suddenly, a brand new SUV screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerruti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, and an YSL tie gets out and asks the rancher, “If I guess how many sheep you have, can I have one of them?”

The rancher looks at the young man, then looks at his sheep, and says: – “OK, it’s a deal.”

The young man parks his SUV, connects his notebook and his mobile, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150-pages report on his high-tech mini printer. He then turns to the rancher and says: – “You have exactly 1586 sheep here.”

The rancher says, “That’s absolutely amazing. You’re right!” The young man picks up an animal and puts it in the back of his SUV. The rancher continues, “Before you go, if I can guess your profession, can I have my animal back?”

This sounds reasonable to the young man and he says, “Sure!”

The rancher says: – “You are an Arthur Andersen consultant!”

“How did you know?” asks the young man.

“Very simple,” answers the rancher, “First you came here uninvited. Second, you gave me information I already knew. Third, you know nothing about my business. Now, can I have my dog back?”

Share on Facebook

Tweet This Post

Three candidates are short listed for a job: an economist, a mathematician and an accountant. They’re all equally qualified and personable.

So the chairman asks each the simple question “what is two and two?

“The economist replies, “Four.”

The mathematician replies, ” Statistically, it’s somewhere between 3.999 and 4.0001.”

The accountant replies, “What would you like it to be?”

Share on Facebook

Tweet This Post

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day he decided to throw a huge party, and during the party he announced, “My dear guests…I have a proposition for every man here. I will give my daughter or one million dollars to the first man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and come out alive!!”

As soon as he finished, there was a huge SPLASH!! There in the pool was an accountant swimming like mad. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was suitably impressed. He said, “That was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Now, which do you prefer, my daughter or the million dollars?”

“Look, I don’t want your daughter! And I don’t want your money! I want the idiot who pushed me in!”

Share on Facebook

Tweet This Post

A young accountant dies. He immediately goes to heaven and appears at the Pearly Gates to be interviewed by Peter.

Peter: “How old are you?”

The accountant: “33”

Peter: “That’s impossible!”

The accountant: “Why?”

Peter: “I have reviewed your time sheets – by my reckoning you must be at least 100!”

Share on Facebook

Tweet This Post

Two accounting partners were so busy in their practice that they only had time to wave ‘hi’ to each other as they passed on their way to their respective offices. At one point they decided to schedule lunch together to catch each other up on their latest and greatest work.

As they both sat down and unfurled their menus, one of the partners suddenly jumped up and said, “I have to leave immediately!”

The other partner looked him in the eye and said, “Whatever for?”

“I left the safe open back in the office!”

The other partner shrugged and looked back at his menu. “What are you worried about? We’re both here.”

Share on Facebook

Tweet This Post

A graduate of a well-known university joins a major accounting firm. On her first day at work, she dials the supply clerk and shouts into the phone, “Get me a box of pens, now!”

The person at the other end responds, “You idiot, do you know who you’re talking to?”

“No”, replies the newly-hired accountant.

“Well, I’m the Managing Partner!” The voice shouts back.

The accountant does some quick thinking and fires back, “And do you know who YOU’RE talking to, you idiot?”

“No,” replies the Managing Partner.

“Good”, said the accountant as she hung up the phone.

Share on Facebook

Tweet This Post

An accountant and his wife were about to celebrate their 20-year anniversary. They were celebrating their 40th birthdays at the same time. During the double celebration, a fairy godmother appeared and announced that since they had remained such a loving couple all those years, they each got one wish.

The wife wanted for her and her husband to have a romantic holiday with her husband, so she made a wish for them to travel around the world together. The fairy godmother waved her wand and the tickets appeared in the wife’s hand.

Next, it was the husband’s turn. The fairy godmother assured him he could have anything he wanted. All he needed to do was ask.

He paused for a moment, then said “Well, actually, I’d like to have a wife 20 years younger than me”. The fairy godmother waved her wand and . . . boom, he was 60.

Share on Facebook

Tweet This Post

Three accountants walk into a bar, and each order a beer. They raise their glasses and make a toast: “Here’s to 59!” After downing their beers, they order another round and make the same toast: “Here’s to 59!” Finally, the barman asks the accountants what the significance of the toast is.

“Well,” said one of them, “we put a 1,000-piece jigsaw Puzzle together in just 59 days!”

“And that’s a big deal?” asked the barman.

“You bet,” said the accountant, “the box said 4 to 8 YEARS!!!”

Share on Facebook

Tweet This Post

An accountant has been trying for some time to collect a bill for $1000 from a client. Finally, the client comes into the office and hands the accountant a fat envelope.

“You don’t mind being paid in cash, do you?” asks the client.

“Not at all,” says the accountant.

After the client leaves the office, the accountant immediately opens the envelope, only to discover that the client has overpaid by several hundred dollars. He is then forced with an ethical dilemma:

“Do I tell my partner?”

Share on Facebook

Tweet This Post

An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was more fun to spend time with your wife or your mistress.

The architect said, “I enjoy time with my wife, building a solid foundation for the future.”

The artist said, “I enjoy time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery.”

The accountant said, “I like both.”

“Both?”

The accountant explained . . . “If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, so you can go to the office and get some work done.”

Share on Facebook

Tweet This Post